Conclusion?

  In the end, no matter how much I convinced myself about loving without expectations, I just couldnt do it. Not that I am not doing it, but it is just so tiring to keep it up! So so tiring. Especially when people dont do the same thing back to you! Why am I doing this? I am still a human after all, what I give, I also need it back...

  Today, I finally said out everything that is in my mind and I felt relieved. Relieved that I am not the only one feeling this way, relieved that I have someone to talk to, relieved that my sanity is in checked, relieved that I finally got a sound advice to follow. Sound because my friend have went through the same thing as me( though its more severe), sound because she knows what exactly is going on.

  I feel so sad recently, really. What is NYP going to become? I am so tired of everything, I dont feel the joy of going for the after-service anymore. It is just so sian. Its like a mini holy hurdle of the youths and I dont feel welcomed at all. They didnt even talk and try to make me into their conversation, all their attention was on Denise on the train. Not that I am jealous or anything, but she was the one I was talking to, and they took her attention away. Then, who is going to talk to me? I felt so outcast even though I am in the circle, sleep became my best excuse for today.

  Really, when I tell someone that I am tired/sleepy, its bullshit. It just means that I awkward and just want to get out of the situation as soon as possible. If I am really interested, and feel at ease, no matter how tired/sleepy I am, I wont say that. Then again, whatever, SUA. I dont have to feel so affected by it because I care about people who doesnt care about me.

  Poh Heng, its time to IGNORE IGNORE AND IGNORE. Life offer you so many more things than to waste your time feeding people and not yourself! Jiayou to a better life!