Hurt.

  I have never felt so hurt in my life. Never been hurt so much that I actually wanted to say "Fuck You" and I meant it. Never have I cried so hard in school before. It was such a good day, I was seriously enjoying it and looking forward to the prayer meet tonight. All it took was a lecturer, who doesnt even know me, telling me how disappointed he is with me in front of the whole class. Ever since year 1, the moment I stepped into this course up til now, I still disappointed him and gave him new troubles each sem, each time.

  It doesnt even matter to him to clarify with me, he just gave me a death verdict and labeled me someone with bad attitude. The only source that he has heard is just from an attention-seeking double faced woman who is having her post menopause period. He even expected me to reply him that I will "change for the better". Fuck him. Seriously.

  He dont know me at all, he have never seen me in the clinics, all he had was ears that only hears from a nagging woman and all it took was just one situation that wasnt even my fault to tear me down. What to do, the moment he left, I quickly took my stuff and ran out to a toilet far away because I couldnt hold my tears in any longer. In order not to cause any ruckus or make anyone in the toilet uncomfortable, I had to keep my cries as silent as possible. So silent, so sad, so alone. It took me a long while before I picked myself up and decided to text the stupid lecturer how I felt.

  All he did was reply, "Can I speak to you in a while". I didnt reply him, I couldnt reply him. I dont want to let him know how hurt I was, how bad I cried, I have lost faith in him. After that, I just walked out to the school, into the streets in a random direction. The tears came once again, and I couldnt help but to sing one of Amy's songs, "Tears dry on their own". It felt so emotional and real that I think if I had recorded it down, it would be one of my best covers. So natural to just sing out those lyrics and walked. The tears yet, never ceased.

  It was until I walked to some industrial park where I have decided that I had walked enough. That if I walked anymore inwards I would get lost. I turned around and headed back, I felt a little bit better in this walk because I decided to sing to God. To let him heal my broken heart once again. I felt better and decided that the next best thing I could do was to have my dinner. It was only during half way through the dinner when I decided to finally look at my phone, and tears came to my eyes again. I felt so loved by some of the concern messages, but it also reminded me of the situation that I am in. I didnt know what to do, I just left it as it is, and continued to have my dinner.

  After dinner, I took the taxi home. All i wanted to do was to close my eyes and rest, for it has been a long day for me. Once again, I was reminded of today's happenings and I started crying today. Seriously, once of this days, I will master my tears, master my own heart and not to show vulnerability anymore.

  I really dont want to let myself be so open to the world anymore, always so raw and so vulnerable. And it always hurt so bad no matter what happens, maybe what I need is to close off the gates of my heart and stop allowing stupid comments to pull me down. I am so much better off this way without feeling so much emotions. God, please allow me to go through this period smoothly and let me sleep it all away. Sleeping is the best way I can calm myself down now.