These days went past quickly, with various things happening so fast!! Do you guys know that I have started running for the past 2 days? Haha, its not a lot, I dont even know about the distance! But I ran 10 times end to end at my house carpark! Why did I start? Its cause to distract myself, as I need to fast from certain relationships, and also to help me slim down! One stone kill two birds!
Though at this point of time, as I am typing this post, I still try to resist the temptations of talking to them, but I guess this is something I must learn as a Christian- not to let things/feelings control me, instead I should control them, and divert this energy into deepening a relationship with God.
Anyway, I have been thinking about about my sexual orientation, do I like guys or girls? Up til now I still dont have my answer and I am very confused about it but what I know is that me liking guys is considered a sin. A very huge sin because it defies the image intended by God. There are many people in my life who always ask me if I am straight, without a doubt, I told them, yes. Sometimes, I get so annoyed that I dont feel like replying people. But am I straight? Then why am I so confused now?
Is it because I never had a crush before? Or did I confuse my "crushes" for my love for people? I dont know, but what I suddenly remember is that, I felt like kissing a guy before in my life. (OMG, god dont kill me!) We were close, really really close, we even went to the backstage of a CC in the middle of the night just to watch "titantic" (FYI it was my first time watching it), and after that we were just sitting down at the seats, and I was looking at his lips.
I am a feminine guy, I dont deny that, so perhaps my "girl hormones- estrogens" in the body started reacting at the point of time, either way, it was temptation so it is still considered a sin. ( I wasnt a christian yet!) Luckily I never really actually kiss, if not it will be damn weird.
I have done a bit of research and it said that "girl hormones" promotes "higher speaking voice" and "guy hormones- testosterone" promotes deepening of voice. So judging by my voice alone, my estrogens in my body is considered high! But at the same time, I do have quite a bit of facial and leg hair, so I am guessing my body is just haywired and confused! Which is bad, cause it is causing my to be confused as well!
Not only have I been attracted to guys, I am also attracted to girls! Though the only difference now is that, the guys I am attracted to, I know them on a real life basis, and the girls, only through photos and from seeing them afar without knowing them! ( Sisters are too close and precious to think about being their boyfriend) So perhaps, I am a bi?
HOWEVER, there are points in my life when guys try to hit on me, there's even one who confessed and called me darling, my hairs on my body stood and I swear that I am disgusted by them! Thinking about it now makes me feel disgusted once again! So are my "attraction towards guys" caused by the devils, or is it a in born thing like what all the pro-gays say? They dont have a choice on who they like, they just follow their feelings.
ARGGHHH!! GOD THIS IS SOMETHING I MUST FIGURE OUT REAL SOON BEFORE IT GETS TOO LATE!! Please continue to look after me, and let my stupid brain finally get everything thought out!
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