Mixed feelings.

  Perhaps, what I am at now, is a stage in life where I question myself, what I want to be. I realized that who I dont want to be, is someone who is clingly, someone who waste life away, someone who goes only with the flow, someone full of pride, someone who is confident-less, someone who is so emotional and someone who cannot face his own emotions.

  Perhaps, what I need now, is to have a break from where I am now. To just disappear from my current daily commitments and try on a different lifestyle. To see what life on earth has to offer me as a person. Somewhere inside me, there's a voice saying that I should attempt that, to cut my relationships away, to vanish from their world and start all over again with another group of people, another kind of culture.

  Should I do that or not? Will I forever be in this state of confusion, and to just live off from people's precious time for me? I want what's best for people, the only thing stopping me now is my mind. Its telling me not to be crazy for this is the right way to live, to follow him and surround yourself with people of same mindedness.

  Have I settled my heart for him? When has it been since I have done anything for him? What do I exactly want?!? I do not know, even now. I always tell myself, yes, you want to know him further, forge a deeper relationship with him, but my mind doesnt seem to argee. I was just trying to make myself believe in that statement. What for? So that I dont lose the reason being in a relationship with him? Or so that I dont lose friends I have made in this process? 

  Why am I tearing now, is it because of some revelation I have? That I have dug out my inner secrets and try to face my fears? Its been two years since I came to the church, why did I stay exactly? Was it really for God? Or was it because I want people to love me? That I want attention?

  Indeed, I was hurt in my secondary school days and I really felt the touch of god when I entered service. I felt the extent of his love for me as I attended church on a regular basis. I know that God is there for me all the time. When did I closed up the doors in my heart towards God? When was the last time when I really felt God working through me? When was the last time when I really look forward too prayer meets and really pray for people? That I still want to pray so much more for god? Sometimes, I really feel that I am a disgusting person,

  I am disgusting because I attend things when I dont want to, and its not because I dont have a choice. Its because of the friends that I have made. I am just going with the flow of the programs, so as not to lose friends? Is that it? Am I really living out my life? The sole reason why I should attend church related stuff is because of God, not people. People are temporal in my life and they will fail me. God has always been there for me, ever since before-birth and has never failed me. Why am I not feeling the need to get to know him more?!?! Why am I so unappreciative towards my holy father?

  What should I do? Should I stay on to the current life that I have and push on? Or should I attempt to live a life differently with different groups of people? So that I can understand, and perhaps gain another perspective in life that will help me see and finally make the ultimate choice?

  Stay, push on and hope for the best? Or let go, embrace and live another life? God, please give me the wisdom and tell me what I should do... I am really lost and I dont know what to do.