Aftermath

  So guys, after my emotional outbreak( previous post), I ran towards my only sanctuary at home: kitchen's toilet. It is a place where I can freely let go of what I am feeling and face myself. My emotional state actually got worst when I got into the toilet, my eyes were flushed red and the tears are not stopping. I sat down on the toilet bowl, and faced the body length mirror right in front of me.

  I asked myself, "So what do you want Poh Heng?" What do you really want? Am I going to leave church and church people? Or I am staying and push forward. My mind was in a messed, and there was no answer spoken. But somehow, my inner self have already made a choice: To leave church.

  I cried harder. I never knew that I could cry so hard, I wondered to myself. Why am I crying so hard? Somehow, I felt that it is not me who is crying at that moment, it was him. It was because my body, decided to cut that relationship I had with him, and it was painful for me/him to bear. I didnt know what to do, I let it all out. I waited till I had my senses back. It was a long wait.

  A sudden thought just came to me, that god is a key to all the key-shaped holes in our heart. Only with God can he complete us. We are completed in God. Then I thought to myself, that key has always been in my key-shaped hole in my heart, from day 1 since I know god. Even though I have let myself be tempted by sins, even though my heart has turned cold towards god. It was always inside, always there to fill me. My tears never ceased.

  His love never fails, he was always there for me. He was always there to complete me. How could I have just decided to cut him away from my life? Why am I so selfish, why did I fail him in his love? His love was so great, he was crucified by the people he loves, and he told the father in heaven, to forgive them for they know nothing. There was I, thinking about rejecting this love, so much love that he gives me. My tears went into sobs. I cried out to god, to forgive me, for I really knew nothing, what a stupid son I am.

  I prayed, in spirit I prayed. I prayed for my life, for foolish thoughts should not haunt my being again. That I will stand firm and throw myself into God's embrace, for that is every father's dream: for their sons to return this love that they unconditionally give. I prayed that in my walk with God, my love for him will not burn out, for I know, his love will never will, and his mercies lasts forever. I commit myself into your hands, abba father, to watch over my life and make it a fulfilling one. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.