Decision in progress!

  God's timing is always perfect. I am suppose to meet Nicole last Saturday to talk about some issues regarding my sheep, but due to my own carelessness- I took the train the wrong way- I didnt manage to meet her in the end. The meeting was postponed to the next Saturday which was yesterday. I was supposed to go movies with my friend right after my attachment, but I guess God is guiding me along, I didnt get to the movies in the end and I went to meet Nicole on time.

  Somehow, in my mind, I know what I want to say already. She is always so approachable and give one of the best advises one could ever ask for. Though I was a bit afraid that she would be angry when I told her how I am feeling. I know I couldnt hide it anymore, because I need to seek help from people, and so I told Nicole what I felt generally( I didnt go in details, so weird).

  It was a good thing that she wasnt mad at me, and she shared with me stories about herself, and her friend. It turns out that what I need is perhaps to fast from the strongholds in my life. Haha, my strongholds in life are apparently the friendships that I have. Because I feel that I am going to church because of this friendships and its not for God. Which is wrong. I should be going to church for God, then build relationships along the way.

  It will definately be weird if I just "ignore" people around me, what's more is that I have been in church for so long already, doing it will make things awkward. So I dont think I should do that, but what I might do is to try to distance the relationship a bit? I think it will take awhile before it happens. I am in such a confused stage right now.

  She also gave me another advice, which is to have a personal retreat and find God from there, which I am thinking, is a good idea! So now what I need to do is to find an alone place and just dwell over God, to look for his presence and to set my convictions once and for all!

  Regarding leaving church, she encouraged and discouraged me. Due to several reasons, and since I have an alternative now, perhaps leaving church would be better for a last resort move. Cause, if I leave church and go into the world, I am not sure if I will get influence by the non-Christians and when I do, I dont think I am coming back to church. I am a relational person and I need to get approval and attention from people around me!! I want to be in God, to be completed by his love, and so I will not be so desperate for desires of human nature.

  God, guide me towards you more, for I dont want to doubt you much anymore...