Well, I have said the sinner's prayer, I have been holy baptized and I have been water baptized too. But am I am christian? I found myself asking me this question today, when I was caught in a situation. One friend of mine, told me straight in the face that she doesnt believe in the " jesus god kind of shit", and she wouldnt mind if I insult her religion which is buddism.
Normally in this scenario, if someone were to feel strongly about what they believe in, they will stand up for what they think its right. My reaction? "Oh okay, I respect that", in an almost nonchalant way. Then, I asked myself, why did I react in such a way? Is it because of my faith? Or is it really because I respect everyone's choices? There wasnt an answer. Though what I know is that there is already a notion in me that is becoming progressively big. That notion is that I should leave church for awhile.
Why do I feel this way? Cause I want to gain another perspective in life, to see what the world has to offer to me, as a person, as an individual. I felt that the reason why I am going to the church now, is solely because of people. Its no good, I look forward to build relationships with people, but not with God. So why then do I go to church? What will ever happen to me if I have another cold war with a person? Will I have the mindset of wanting to leave church again? Why is that? Somehow, I dont feel like I am a Christ follower, I feel more like an attention seeker. Therefore, maybe what I need now, is a break from this, to experience another kind of life and prove to myself that what I need, is God. If God is a soverign God, he will definitely bring me back. His love will never fails, that I am sure.
To me, leaving church now means having to abandon friends that I have known in church, which is more than half of my list of friends. It will not be easy, but I have been controlling myself to start a conversation with them, and what I realize at the end of the day is that, nobody starts a conversation with me. That shows me something, and it is a good indication that with, or without me, the group will still be the same.
Now, what I need to do, is that I have to start over again with another group of friends. Where do I find them? I wonder to myself, perhaps what I need now is to start connecting myself with my secondary school friends? Like the one that recently call me out for karaoke? Or perhaps, my choir friends? No matter where life will take me- I might even ended up to be a loner, I will go. To search for my purpose in life, to let my stupid brain know once and for all, who is God.
This transition stage is going to be tough, I am not even sure if I have the courage to try it. But, whatever it may be, I hope that God will be able to guide me to the decision that will eventually lead me to be a true Christian forever.
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