Old fluttering feelings

  This is killing me. I don't know what to do anymore. I told myself that I am over it but I am not. Just hearing his voice through a phone call makes my heart flutter. I was in high spirits. I can't help but to smile and laugh when we met. I just wanted to reach my hand out to him. But I can't. I can't help but to tease him in my own sarcastic ways. We sat down and we ate. I can't help from staring at his face throughout the night. My eye wanders around and it will always stop at his face. I caught him staring once and I wondered what was on his mind. My useless mouth started to say something sarcastic. I screamed at myself internally. Why do I keep saying hurtful things?! But I knew. I wanted to keep my distance. I am not comfortable being near him. My composed-self that I am so proud off crumbled in his presence. I panicked. I stumbled. I made a fool of myself.

  As the conversation deepens, my worst fears realised. He had sex with a girl overseas. Not that I don't know it, not that it's wrong. My heart sank. My smile faded away. I pretended to be involved in the conversation, but I stopped talking. Strangely, it was hot hearing him say it from his mouth. But I knew. I didn't want to be there anymore. I didn't know what I was doing. I just tried to smile and nod my head throughout the rest of the conversation. It just kept ringing in my head. I wondered how did he look like naked, or how lucky the girl was to get a guy like him. They had a one night stand, just like that and it's over. I scolded myself. I knew and I let myself in into this mess. This mess that I created myself, a mess that shouldn't even exist. I hated myself. I hated how much I am attracted to him. Shortly after, I asked for a meet up that I knew he couldn't make it, the rest agreed and he couldn't. I turned to my sarcastic self and made a snark remark. My heart screamed no, but my head said to push him away.

  I got home. My heart still in pieces. I layed down on my bed, distracted and lonely. I knew that this is ridiculous. I laughed at how pathetic I was. I wanted to message him and apologised for my rude behaviour, but I knew I shouldn't. I should be happy for a Friend. But I can't. I stared at the ceiling light for the next ten minutes. Contemplating the next set of actions I should choose, or how I should react the next time I see him. My heart said be nice, but my head say no. Push him away. Be a dick and push him away. I don't deserve this, I told myself. I should be comfortable and happy being alone. I have been doing that for twenty over years of my life! I should be a pro by now. No matter how much I deny. I knew deep down, my heart has been completely taken over. It is not mine anymore. All I can do now is to slowly pick the shattered pieces up and glue tape it and tell myself that I can be happy alone.

  That's how my life is going to be, happy and alone. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. I pretended that it was him I was hugging and hated myself. Knowing that the vicious emotional cycle will play again the next time that we meet. I have to pick up  the broken hearts, until then, I told myself, just let me hope and enjoy whatever warmth this bolster can offer and let me be happy for the night. I fell into a deep sleep.