Goodbye my dearest Friend, Luigi

  It is such a weird feeling. To have your bestest friend taken away from you, just like that, just in an instant. Such an uncomfortable feeling. I had always knew Luigi was plagued with disease, a disease with no cure; cancer. It was already stage 4 when he knew of it and it was 1-2years ago. And I know that he would go anytime, I just didn't know that it would be this soon. It hurts so much.

  I was just working, you know, treating children, then casually whipped out my phone to check for incoming messages and my heart instantaneously sunk. Luigi went into seizure. I couldn't think of anything, so many thoughts flood through my mind. I was hopeless, I could not do anything to help my dear Friend. In that very moment, I prayed. 

  I did not pray for healing though, somehow in the back of my mind, I knew it was the inevitable end. I prayed for something else. I prayed for him to be in a happy place and be happy in the afterlife. After all, that's what you want for people you love right?

  It made me question what exactly happens in the afterlife. Honestly, I don't think anyone really knows cause no one living has been there before. Maybe it could be nothing, you know life ends and that's it. Like full stop, nothing. That would be nice  too cause the worries and suffering would be gone too as well.

  Anyway I continued working the very next day. I did not want the news to affect my working life, and it acts as a distraction for me, so why not. I knew that the group of secondary school friends wanted to do a Skype session with him together, somewhere in my mind, I didn't want to be a part of that group. Cause this feels really personal. Like he is my bestest Friend. I don't need no nobody to listen to our history together and see my cry too. No freaking way. I won't be myself. Luckily they decided to do a Skype session when I was working, so I couldn't make it anyway.

  Near lunchtime, I received the most devastating news; Luigi's parents and Doctors have decided that it was a hopeless situation and they have decided to pull the plug. Once again, I couldn't think. I just stood there and was lost. The dental assistant looked at me questionly why I was just standing around. I barely noticed her presence and walked away slowly. I took my bag and left the clinic for lunch.

   As I walked, I began to pick up my pace as I felt the emotions bubbling up in my stomach. I looked for the nearest toilet all the while wiping away the droplets of tears that started to form in my eyes. God I think I looked really stupid. I went straight into the cubicle face down ignoring everyone else and sat down. I covered my mouth with both hands and my emotions went loose. I sobbed uncontrollably. Hopefully no one thought that a pig was getting slaughtered in the cubicle cause that's how I sounded like when controlling my voice. I was filled with so much sorrow, so much pain, so much sadness. 

  When I was finally able to calm down, I looked at my phone, fourty minutes had passed. For good measure, I just sat down on the toilet seat for like 10 more minutes before deciding to wash my face and leave the toilet. I did not feel like eating anything, but I knew I was hungry. So I just went to buy Koi and went back to the dental clinic. 

  Apparently they were celebrating two assistants birthdays so they wanted me to sing. I declined and said that I don't sing. How can I be in the mood to sing happy bday? It was a torture. Them laughing and smiling and enjoying themselves. I just couldn't rain on their parade. I pretended to smile and I think I was able to trick them. I ate a huge slice of birthday cake and work ensued. 

  Being able to work is so much easier, although you have to greet your patients with a happy singing voice and make small talk with them. At least you were able to focus in the next twenty minutes or so to just treating them and it was good for me. It was a great escape from reality. 

  After work I spoke to Luigi's Sister personally on Facebook and asked if I could arrange a Skype session with Luigi. Luckily she said yes, the only condition is that it has to be done 1am in the morning  Singapore time. I agreed readily. I told myself that I should sleep earlier as I am really tired from the 6 day work week but I just couldn't. What if I overslept? I will never forgive myself. 

  3 hours before the Skype session, I started looking through Luigi's Facebook, and the WhatsApp conversations we had. Listening to all the covers he did was my true escape. He had such a beautiful voice, and the one track I could not stop listening to, is his cover of Hallelujah. It felt so amp and it has been on replay since then. 

  Alone in the room, after the end of a six day work week, in the middle of the night, listening to a dear friend's cover when he is on the verge of death; obviously I cried. Not a pretty sight as the Skype session was going to start in a few minutes.

  The first thing I saw were Luigi's Father and his Sister. I gave a wryly smile and waved my hand. I gave my thanks and she proceeded to turn the laptop to face Luigi. 

  As if I haven't been crying enough for the past few days, seeing Luigi in his state killed me. There were so many tubes connected to his body and his face was so swollen. Half the Skype session, I couldn't bear to see his face. The only comforting thing was that his chest was still rising and falling, an indication that he is still alive. 

  

  For the first 10 minutes no words came out from my mouth. I knew what I wanted to say, I had hours of preparation before this moment, dammit! But I just couldn't. I was crying so much that I cannot form words. I needed some time to calm myself down. I took deep breaths one after another. I was ready. Then I started talking, slowly and trying to steady my voice as much as I could. 

  I talked about our history, the happy times when we would totally abuse the Kala card from Kbox. Where we would go every 2 days to just get our money's worth and scream our lungs out to our most favorite song "And I am telling you." It doesn't matter if our throats were sore, we would just sing. Life was so simple then. I let him listen to a cover he did before, a beautiful rendition of Hallelujah. I talked to him about our dreams, the future where we would meet each other for a plate of Char Kway Teow. I talked about many many things, dragging it as long as I could. Many times, I would lose topics to talk about, but I would quickly try to come out with something or just repeat something I said. Until the end when I could not find any topics anymore. 

  "Thank you for being my bestest Friend I could ever ask for, to encourage me in times of struggle and to make me a less hateful person. To make me a better person." "I guess what I want to say is." A long pause. I readied myself for the inevitable. "Goodbye." My voice cracked. It was over. It was the last time I talked to this dear Friend of mine. I said my thanks to his Sister and switched off Skype. I laid down on my bed and began crying til I slept. Goodbye my dearest Friend, may your afterlife give you more happiness. Goodbye Luigi. My bestest friend.