As I ease into my adult life, I began to think a little bit more to my future. Honestly speaking, staying single sounds good to me. I have always seen myself as independent and I have gone through way too many non-existent break ups with my crushes to even think that one would end up good. Then again, I am always the crazy one. Acting up, making HOO HAs from nothing.
Of course that doesn't mean that I won't think about it from time to time. What would it be like, to have someone look out for you in all aspects of life. If you know what I mean, wink. To look at you like only you matters in this world, and everything else just fades away. A soulmate. To share time with and travel to marvel at the world's wonders. Together. To comfort you when you feel down, to celebrate achievements you don't feel worth celebrating about. Like for example, your 50th birthday. To be consistently on their mind, to make you eat when you have no appetite. Like that is going to happen. To make you feel special. A wonderful, magical bond that only the two of you have.
I am a realistic person. I do dream about many things, but at the end of the day, I am realistic. I always choose the most sure, most stable way to get through life. That's how I ended up in healthcare anyway. I wanted to lead a stable and secure life. No doubt, I won't earn much as compared to the counterparts, but I will never be out of job. I will survive.
Born into an unstable family with no financial back up, living life from check to check makes me think about many things in life from a tender age. Constantly being rudely awakened in the middle of the night had already became a routine before me and my siblings even knew it. We can't sleep at night. There were too much fightings going on and the children are always dragged into the fights. It's always about the lack of money. It was a broken family.
When I was finally able to start working, I worked. I worked like crazy. It wasn't enough to support myself though. Until poly came and a bond was presented to me. I signed it and received $900 a month. I stopped working and stopped taking money from my parents. I became independent. I did not want anything to do with my family for I hated them. I do not want them to come after me for money in the future so I stopped relying on them.
On hindsight, if my family was of a decent background, I would have went to JC. I understood that JC means two extra years and then University where the fees would be too much for my family to bear. More chaos would have ensued and I don't want that. So I chose poly. Just 3 years and I can start working and earn my own money already. I thought of leaving them as soon as I was stable.
Poly was a living hell. I thought that the family situation would get better for I stopped taking money from them. No. It got worse. I couldn't sleep at all. My insomnia got worse, situation at home got so bad that Neighbours called and reported to the police in the middle of the night. I woke up tired and angry every single morning. I couldn't focus. I couldn't pick myself up. There was no one to pick me up. My broken family was a mess.
I was director's list in year 1 Sem 1. But I couldn't take it anymore. My sleep debts caught up with me. My grades started to slide down for the remaining sems.
Music was my escape. Music has always been my escape. Ever since secondary school. Admist the chaos and darkness, music was my light. To be able to sing freely and harmoniously opened a door for my soul. I was saved. No matter how tired I was, I look forward to the 3hours worth of practice every week. I would lose myself in the world of music, surrounded by friends, surrounded by happiness.
I was tone deaf. But I didn't care. As Long as I got to sing, I was happy. It became a mandatory part of my life. To sing in a choir. That's heaven to me. I may spend more times with my classmates, but the bonds made from choir are much more stronger.
Some of my friends always wondered why I love singing so much. Like the amount of karaoke sessions I have. They cannot understand. It's alright, though. I have learnt that everyone find joy in different things. As Long as I can keep singing, as Long as I have friends by my side. I will be okay. I will survive. Hopefully, one day I will be able to show people what joy it is to sing. To dive into a different world, to be in control, to tell a story, to be alive. Life is too short to just do things that torture you all the time.
Though my early 20 years of my life hasn't been the most pleasant experience, as an Adult now, I will shape it to something I can proudly talk about to others in the future. I will live on, with no regrets. Just keep singing.
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