Hey'all

I am thinking that I should be changing my blog soon...That I should leave this emo chapters of my life behind and start a new one. A blog that is more classier than this barbaric uncontrolled emotional rants. Where I will act attas and a little more disciplined and controlled.

Just as I am writing this sentence now, I honestly don't think it's possible to write like how I said above. Can you imagine my posts to be...

"It was a tuesday morning. As the sun rises, it's light shone on my eyes. I knew that it was time to wake up- to start off my mundane routine again. I heaved a sigh as I thought about the numerous amount of things to be done on my imaginary to-do list; one that never seems to end, just like my misery. It took me 10 minutes before I could will myself and sit up right, I heaved, yet another sigh.

Mustering all of my remaining willpower, I dragged myself off the bed and proceeded on to my daily tasks. I was just browsing through my phone when I realized that today is a big day. A day when people are graduating, a day when I should be graduating. It was such a disheartening thought, one that made me feel so deflated. I sighed. I must have really sighed a lot recently, I mentally told myself off and told myself that I should be more positive. That I should act as if I am really happy.

Whilst on the train to work, I scrolled through the twitter app and I saw the tweets of people happily graduating. Mixed feelings started swelling inside of me, tears threatened to fall and I willed myself to be strong. To be happy. I congratulated a few people who I think that I am closed with, those were messages full of happy faces. Even though it contradicted as to how I was feeling, I couldn't bear to pull them down. If I could not be happy, at least I can make other people happy. That's what I thought and contented myself with. It was a saddening thought.

My heart was just so heavy throughout the day, I could not concentrate on the tasks at hand. I was unfocused. I was slow. A friend of mine messaged me and asked me where I was. I had to reply happily, I had to reply as if I am alright with everything. I did not want to spoil her day. I became hypocritical and I hated myself for it. I just could not feel the colon and the D together respectively.

The conversation ended after a dew exchanges of messages. I was guessing that she realized what she just did, or perhaps she was just too busy to care. I didn't bother to care, I couldn't. Why should I? When she was graduating and I was not! I could feel myself flaring up more as more as the sentence echoed inside my head. Just like how the screeching sounds from the dragging of chairs annoy me to no end, this was no different. My temper was going way out of my control. I could hear voices in my head, voices telling me that life wasn't fair to me. That I have every right to get it back.

Those voices stopped right as I reached my stop. I alighted and made my way to the workplace. My mood did not get any better when I was greeted by my colleagues. I had to force a smile on my face and tried to sound casual. I could feel my voice trembling, I wondered if they noticed it. No, they could not have, I had my anger under control. I was just the plain ordinary me, the happy go lucky guy who failed his module and did not graduate today. I was feeling happy and not discontented at all. At least, that was what I thought.

A thud could be heard from behind me, I turned to have a look- my colleague had just dropped a file in front of my operatory. I moved to get the file and readied the chair for my patient. I told myself over and over again that I was feeling satisfied with what I had and I was happy. The anger inside of me did not subside one bit.

I clicked and called for my patient to come in. It was a young primary 1 girl. She was smiling when she came in- a smile that seems so effortless and bright. How could she smile so easily? I worked so hard, I deserved to smile today but I could not. The anger inside of me intensified. I decided to take that smile away from her. No one else should be able to smile when I am not smiling."

Hey guys! I initially just wanted to act a bit and then I realized that there's so much fun writing so I changed it along the way! To be continued! ( cause I really have a patient now!)