Reminiscing

The time with the NS guys were pretty good today. Their forfeits seem pretty standard to me- push ups. It was fun, it took my mind off things and I enjoyed their presence. However, when all the rah rah ends, and I walked to bugis street alone from nicoll highway.( cause I want to take bus home and they all live northeast.)

I started remembering all the times I had with the NYP people, when we walked to bugis street, talking, singing and joking around. I suddenly missed it so much. Then there I was, walking and singing alone, down that memory lane I can't erase away. I thought about the first polydins camp that I went, when pastor Jasmine prayed for me, saying that I will make a change in NYP. Where is that change? I am basically invisible and my presence there is dismissable without a thought. I guess she was wrong. However, what I brought was perhaps hurt for some people who really cared about me and I rejected their help. I am such a bad person aren't I?

When Pastor Jeff preached about one of the greatest commandments- love your neighbor as yourself. Have I done that? I feel like I am falling God all over again and I really feel like crying now. What the hell am I doing? I really don't know. Another thing that I don't know is what should I do. I am really at a lost already.

I am really tempted to tune in to Amy now. I am on the bus home and I know if that I listen to Amy, I will definitely cry on the bus. It had happened quite a few times already and I don't want history to repeat itself. I guess what I need to calm myself down.

"Calm your tits."

I just engaged myself to this breathe in breathe out exercises and God do I feel like some mental patient. I think sooner or later, if I don't settle these clashing mindsets soon, I will really turn crazy.

God. How can I fulfill that with my current situation? I dont know how, can you show me the way?