Haha, I actually wanted to update earlier on but I couldn't even find the time or energy to do so, so I have to wake in the middle of the night(430am leh) to write this post. Also, it's not like I want to wake up in this unearthly hour, just thank my screwed body clock.
Well, the second part of the day was easier to survive. I actually had a sudden huge panic attack when they said to go dinner, cause the NS guys haven't officially pick us up yet. So who the hell do I have dinner with? I contemplated to just dabao to where I stay and eat, life felt easier that way. Really want to thank god for the presence of Wei Koon cause he is a really nice guy and he is my roommate. He wasn't there to ease my worries, but he accepted me readily when I told him that I want to follow him around which in turn, made me know so many NS people!
Honestly, I would prefer the NS people's company over anybody else over in the camp. The atmosphere was so light hearted and I find myself talking more than I did as compared to the last few weeks at service altogether! Maybe it's because I am the new guy or something, but the NS people that I see so far, are really nice! There was this really happy moment when I was having lunch with some of the NS people and more NS people join and I know them! Honestly, one of them was so bitchy lo! Haha!
I forgot all the other nitty gritty details so I can't really talk a lot now. However I did hang out Aedy to talk for awhile and what she said, I expected as much already. Although I was kind of expecting something out of the blue that will throw me off the course, well, it didn't happen. I don't really know what to think now. Because something that throws me off the course is something that will make me rethink about the situation, and I am not rethinking much because everything, I know as much already.
Well, I think that I am going to remove them from my life after this camp. I am not going to do it now because there are still so many opportunities for God/anyone else to speak to me, or do something and change my mind and I don't want to regret my decision. After so long, I dont really expect things from people already. For how long can you expect something from someone until you feel the despair, that "it's never going to come" thing? So in a way, its sort of up to god now I guess. This time. When I remove, it's for good.
Finally, I don't have to put on a tough front when I go to services anymore. Do you know that I always feel like crumbling down out of nowhere before/during/after service? I just don't know how to act anymore and it is just suffocating when I am with the others. News flash, I don't think that I will be feeling that for now. I really sincerely hope that it will never happen again when I am in the NS group. Seriously.
Aedy told me to give chances- infinity amount of chances to people who cross( can't think of a better word now) me. Sidetrack for one second, the sounds made by NS man sleeping in my room is freaking hilarious! Though I can't really LOL, it will be damn creepy. Yupp, I have been giving them already, so much so that it feels like I have to take out a huge piece of myself anytime soon. That should anything bad happen, I will literally flood Singapore with my tears. I am already trying to act like I am okay already, do I have to go for that extra extra( no typo here) mile to keep giving chances?
Aedy said that I am behaving like when I am in secondary school, cutting people off. Poh Heng in secondary school is a ruthless friend because once my "best" friend do something that I don't like, without warning or whatsoever I will ignore that "best" friend. No matter what he do, I would ignore. Literally ignore and pretend that he never exist. He even went to my table awkwardly and apologized in front of everyone else. I looked away and stood up. I spoilt the relationship so much that a backstabber girl actually cried because she doesn't understand why two good friends can end up like that. We were eating macs together when she called the person and wanted to help us rectify the situation. She persuaded the person for a long time and when he agrees, I just "whatever" him and make the situation worse.
That was how Poh Heng works, and comparing it to what I did now, I think I tried too hard already and the worse thing is nothing came back. Nothing. There's nothing much I can do now because I practically already went against my very nature. And honestly, how much more can I do? I am tired of trying for nothing. God, surprise me. I need a surprise. A very huge surprise.
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