So what happened was that I went down to the barber and realized that the queue ain't shortening and to make it worse, it was actually more crowded than before. Sighing, I didnt know what to do, but hell no am I waiting without a place to seat. Also, my pride dictates that I shouldn't go back to Roof Garden cause I will feel like a laughing stocks to the couples that were sitting near me.
So what did I do then? I decided to walk around the mall and bought another bottle of that deliciously made honey lemon! Then I walked around a bit more before going up to the barbers again. Turns out that the length of the queue never shortens and so I decided to walk around the mall even more. That was when I realize that there are other shops where I can cut my hair, why am I so dumb? Those shops are located behind MRT station, and I decided to have my haircut over at one of the place.
Although I still need to wait for my turn, I had the luxury of sitting down and wait for my turn. As long as I get to sit, I am all good. I mean, who wouldn't? Sitting down in an aircon room is awesome. The sky now is totally pitch black, not a single star can be seen from my view up. This reminds me of a classic song that Amy had covered when she was in her early twenties, "teach me tonight". It was perfect, jazzy and sexy. I guess I really have a thing for people with low voices singing high. Which now, reminds of the junior whose voice have the ability to melt people.
It seems that he seems to have an issue of an unrequited crush? So emo nowadays, but I can't do much to help. I don't want him to experience what I experienced in year 1. The homo senior who tried to hit on me. It was truly a disgusting and traumatic experience that I hope that it wouldn't happen to others.
"Darling, what did you do today?"
"Are there guys?"
"Sorry, I seemed to be possessive but it's a point that my EXes find it cute."
Zomg, never will I want to hear those things again to people who I am not attracted to. I am such a mean person arent I? I can do this to other people- ignoring them- yet I cannot stand it when people who I care about ignores me. Yet, in my tiny little mind, I am the right one and it wouldn't hurt to give me a little attention that I ask for. On the other hand, I wouldn't give those who gives a damn about me yet I don't like them a little attention. I just ignore them.
That is what I am best at: Ignoring. To cut off all the ties that we build up. Sometimes I wonder as I build relationship with other people, that in the process of cementing the bridge, I actually place a bomb right at the centre. The bomb is fueled by the things that the other party had done and also my insecurities. One day, when I said that I had enough, I just blew it up. No longer is the bridge repairable. It all went down to the sea, what remains, is the history of the bridge that was built and the bomber who gives no warnings or whatsoever.
I do what I want to do. I am selfish. It is so hard to change this trait that I have. A trait that I have cultivated since my early years, when I hate my family( I still am) and I don't want to have anything to do with them. The first people I cut off, are my family members.
After that, I seek comfort from people around me, and when I realize that they are no giving me what I want, I cut them off from my life and move on. Move on to the next target, to the one who is able to give me something that I want. Not one single person met up to my standards, my super high impossible to reach standards. Only god I guess, he was the one who love me so so much, that It is so tangible that I can taste it. I never felt so love in my life.
Now my own theory comes back to me and I realize that I fail god, I don't deserve him at all. I condemned myself. I felt unworthy. I failed God. Dammit. Such a failure, such a lousy person, I shut myself from God. I told myself that I deserve it, all those karma came back to me all at one go. The same kind of hurt I put so many people through, I experienced it. Always the one giving judgement, always making the other party receive my wrath. I took it all, one shot, from the perfect being.
Is that why I was so emotional at that time? Maybe. Now that my head is cleared I can think this deeply. I no longer cry when I think that I fail god, I have gotten past that stage. Does that mean that God isn't as real in my life or does that mean that I have finally accept that part of me? Either way, I am going to find out this coming Saturday, to come into his presence and see/feel for myself what do I want. Now that I am no longer emotional, my judgement no longer clouded.
Haha, why talk about stuff that is so heavy now? My light hearted mood suddenly turn so solemn.
I just slapped myself, hard in the face. Hoping that I could cheer myself now, and I realized that I look stupid. Hopefully no one around me saw that. Haha!
Anyway, I can't wait for the movie to start later on! Les Miserables is awesome and I love Anne Hathaway so much! She is gorgeous, talented in acting and singing and she is a fun person! Just by looking at her, I know already. Crazy lively people can act because they are so used to having all kinds of emotions everyday! Not just that, Hugh jackman is a total package too! Why am I not like that?
One day, I must sing on stage and get everyone to standing O me and make me so happy that I could die. this dream, I must achieve. It's not going to be easy, but I believe that I can do it. Nowadays, I realize the most important things is to believe in yourself.
Even when it comes to singing, if you believe that you can hit the note, your body will do all the work for you. If you doubt yourself, you will make your body feel unnatural and the note comes out ugly and strained! It's a true fact that I have tested myself. Confidence is something all singers must have.
I feel so sad now, they are closing Roof Garden and I was being chased out. I guess this is the end of my entry today. :D
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