All of a sudden..

  I realized what the problem is already! It is directly linked to the last line of my previous post about not losing myself. Who do I seek my identity in? Where did I place my security in? You know, when you love someone so much, you are willing to give up bit and pieces of yourself to please that special someone. It is the same way for me, always been, never going to change. However, when time stops and you take a step back and look at the overall picture. Comparing yourself to how you were then, and how you are now, you have changed. You are not who you think you are anymore, and that scares the crap out of me. When and how did I become someone like that, I dont even know. This little pieces of myself are always being taken away, slowly, one at a time, so slow and so sneaky that you cant detect them until it happened.

  Then there are pieces of myself that I find it hard to let go and want to keep them by my side. These very same pieces, are also the pieces that I have to surrender to God- if I want to be his disciple. These pieces spells SIN no matter how you look at them and I am not ready to give them up yet, no. I was able to surrender them before, but when I realized what was happening and that I am losing my own identity that I have created, I shut God out from my life.

  We all know that having a relationship with God is not about saying the sinners prayer, it is that very moment when you accept God into your life, that is when the relationship starts. Likewise, the relationship ends not when you leave the church, it is when you decided to shut God out of your life, to close your door on God. God is a forever gentleman, and he will just stay by that door and keep knocking until you let him in. Somehow, I wish that God isnt a gentleman and so that he can have his way with me and I wouldnt be in such a huge struggle. We know that this isnt possible because, that means our free will will be taken away and we are not actually living anymore. God doesnt want that, God wants a genuine relationship with us.

  How? I dont know anymore. Yesterday, during the Unit's meet, when they talk about denying self rights and picking up the cross, I know that in my mind, I told myself, dont do it. When they start praying about it, I stopped praying. It was kind of scary, and I am just letting this things hold me down. These little pieces of me, when will I let them go away?