I am seriously such a stubborn and stupid person. I always push people away when people come to me, and when they dont, I just complaint complaint complaint! Life's been a bitch to me recently, and I think I have been emoing over the past 1-2months already! POH HENG, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. When I think about it, I really missed my carefree lifestyle before and sometimes, I really hope to go back to the time when I have decided to patch back the relationship, when it all started with a glare and tell myself that, hey, move on, dont patch back.
Its not because he is not worth it. He's worth it, a good friend to have. Its not that he is not enjoyable- I really enjoy the times I have with him when we are okay. The only reason why sometimes I just want to not friend him, is because he has so many more things in life that he is committed too! Every single time, when we have this weird cold war thing going on, I realized that he have many people in his life that he can go to and consult with. What about me? I only have a few friends before, and now, the few friends also disappeared in my life. No matter how many times I try to connect with them, they never reply and I get really sad. I tell myself that I should just give up, but every single time they post something on twitter, I cant help but to just tweet to them and hopefully they reply me.
They never did. I just dont know where to pour out my emotions to, I am such a emotional person. Sometimes I even cry myself to sleep and just try to forget everything, but in the end I cant. Amy became my only and number one consultant, I have always consulted in her during my dark days. It always seem that she can understand my emotions perfectly, singing out my inner desires that I couldnt help but to just tear for her. For she had gone through so much more when she was alive, and I just want to hug her and tell her that everything is going to be alright. Because I understand how she feels because that is what I want too...
Yup, I am deciding to loosen my grip on my relationship with him. Loosening isnt the same as releasing. It just means that I stop obsessing myself over him. Do you know that every single time on twitter, the only thing I look out for is his tweets? And every time he tweet, I just want to reply him. Because I am really interested in his life and I want to be a part of it. What I realized that in the end, he doesnt care as much about me. That he doesnt really reply to my tweets. It is not his fault, because like I said, he has so much more commitment in his life. He has no time for me, and I dont want him to sacrifice others just for him to please me, to fill my stupid need.
And when he finally did, it was the same time when I have decided to just push myself away. Why are such things so coincidental? I really cannot believe it and I was in such a dilemmia. It hurts me a lot when it happened but I dont want to sink into this deep hole anymore further. He is going on with his life, I need to do the same. When he tweeted and asked me to have more faith in him, I dont know what to say. It is not that I have no faith in him, its just that I need someone who is able to give me back the 100% that I give to him.
At the same time, I wanted to ask him. Do you have faith in me? Because when he asked me what was I talking about when I tweeted "I will leave", I told him that I am thinking of leaving the church for awhile. He was just so disinterested and told me to jiayou with my life. He even tweeted shortly later that he is not giving a shit. Though I am not sure if it is targeted to me, but it affected me quite a bit. Then he blogged about how, he couldnt communicate with his friends in his life anymore and said that some of them left without telling him. This made me realized how much I stand in his life. I was hurt and wanted not to care anymore, but in the end I sent him a message, because he do not deserve to be feeling down. Nobody deserves to feel alone in this world, because it is such a sucky feeling.
Then something happened to him. Once again, I had to resist concern towards him. If I had to stop my attachment towards him from growing, I need to act like the others. People on twitter just get on with life, they tweet their stuff and move on, except during special occasions. I need to learn that, just tweet what I want, read about people's life, then MOVE ON. Because if I continue on this way, I am only being a nuisance and over clingly. Its not right for me to do so, and I am not going to do it anymore!
I always feel like I am giving so much and nothing comes back. It really hurts me a lot. People around me are going through their down times in a relationship, and all I did was to offer my views and they are doing okay now. Why cant I just follow my own advice, and just get over it? Why am I such a sticky person? Really, like what I said in my previous posts, I need to grow up. I need to be less emotionally attached to people, and learn to control myself. Until I find someone who is really concern about my life, about me as a person, should I let myself sink to the quicksand. Until the day comes, all I need to do, is to revolve my life around myself than others. To be more independent and just heck care every single detail about other peoples' life, because it is too tiring and I dont get much back!
This is the first relationship in my life that I have decided to patch back. Even though it's a long and rocky road, it had taught me many things in life. Although it might not have the best ending that everyone wants, it is none the less, a good ending. Because the friendship I have with him, is not going to end. It is just going to be reverted to the point where everything is normal again. When I am not so interested in his life and he is just another church member I look forward to hang out with after service. Although this is such a wishful thinking on my part, I really hope to get the good ending. Life is so much easier to get through.
I guess in the end, the very reason why I decided to go to my friend's, Ruth, church because I just need someone to consult everything into. And she is my next closest buddy that I can ever have. My friend who I know will stay with me. I really hope that she can take all this shit from me, and give me something I need so that everything is going to be okay. Because that is all I need now.
Seriously, POH HENG, STOP CRYING. I am so tired of crying already, when will it stop coming?
I just need to pretend that everything is alright and just be my usual self. So that eventually, it will be like that. Just like that, I am going to be happy. Jiayou. Poh Heng. Jiayou.
No comments:
Post a Comment