Relationship issues.

  I have thought through a lot recently, I realized that I never had a best friend in life. There are so many instances, so many friendships that are so close to becoming it, yet I always shun them away. Why do I do that? If i have to be blunt to myself, I am just an insecure and selfish person. Always so selfish, trying to make things work for myself, dont want to go through so much of emotional stress. Maybe that's why I am a disappointment in this course for 3 years? Because I am such a stubborn person?

  No matter how much I like a friendship( I cant even make myself use the word "treasure", because from the way I have handled things so far.), I am always the one who pulls the string. Even when I had enjoyed their presence so much, and I was never fake with my emotions with them, I pulled the strings, I stopped everything. Sometimes it really scares me how I can cry so much and yet habour such a stone cold heart. So insensitive and cold, yet so disciplined in trying not to make contact. Though I could feel that tingly feeling in my heart every now and then, I would just try to distract myself and try to forget about everything because eventually, it will fade away.

  I guess this is how my brain works. I am so good and used at escaping that I do not have the will to confront problems anymore. Though I have confronted a few recently, but I guess that's too much for me to handle in such a short period of time. What's more is that school's been so exhausting that I really dont feel like taking any more problems at one go. Just like that, I am slowly letting go of a clique and moving on to another clique. Is it worth it? Seems like history is going to repeat itself, sooner or later, I will be moving to another...

  I realize that Church is too good a place for me. So many nice, loving people around and I just seem to abuse them all. I am really such a bad person, yet while I am typing this, I cant seem to just tear a bit. I am so messed up, so tired, so broken that I think, I dont trust in friends so much anymore. That as I "grow up", everything just seem so complicated that I dont want to be a part of it. My brain is too simple for all these complex things...

  I just want to sleep and not wake up anymore. Into a place where someone would just embrace me and tell me that everything is okay and that I dont have to try so much anymore. I am just so tired. So tired of life.