And he lives happily ever after?

  This few weeks after leaving church felt so weird and unreal. Never have I expected myself to leave church because of such a emotional breakout. But its true what, I cannot be it and stand in front of God saying I love you when I know that I am not going to change myself. Its like being a hypocrite. If the only thing that attracts me to church isnt attracting anymore, why would I stay?

  Honestly speaking, the few months before leaving church, I didnt like the after service hang outs. It is always so emotional, so directionless. I used to love them, but somehow, it changed and it didnt felt fun anymore. Sometimes in LG, I felt like an auxiliary member and my voice aint heard at all. Its like, I try to talk, but they never seem to listen. I felt ignored. I always flaunt about my LG whenever I have the chance, and now I realize why. Its because I want to feel like I belong there. I am such a pathetic person, even when people ask me if I am okay with my LG blah blah blah, I just, "yeah, why not? I hang out with girls in choir all the time." But its different, because I realize people in choir treat me like friends more than anyone in church.

  I still cant believe that because of church, I gave up on my choirs. I gave them all up, Glee, Singthesis, Sonophillic and most importantly, Voice Ensemble. Because of church, I had no time and I had to give up my choirs. Being around with Choir people, it always felt so natural and so fun, and it felt like somewhere where I belong. Now, I cant even get back the choirs except for VE.

  Now that I look back in church life, there is hardly any people that I am close to in this 2 years that I have been in church. How is that even possible? I cant even give top 3 list of people that I am closest to. In the end, I realize that I invested too much time on a person that doesnt care at all. Who didnt return what I gave and its the suckiest feeling ever. After trying so hard,  after so many things we have been through, he doesnt even bother to ask me what's going on when I left church. He doesnt even give a shit. Here I am, hoping he would at least show some concern. None.

  Stupid me, even after trying to harden myself to all my surroundings, still cant get over this stupid person. Constantly stalking him have became a part of my life, its like breathing. So natural, I dont even have to remind myself to do it. Then I realized that, he's not bothered at all. Why would he? What am I doing?

  Nowadays I have been trying to get back my life and somehow, I managed to squeeze myself back into VE again. Since this is the Christmas season, we are gonna sing Christmas carols. More than half of the time, the songs I sing, reminds me of why I was a christian and it made me feel like going back to the church and give it one more shot. I mean, the reason why I am in church is not because of people what, its because of God. I guess I just have to face my demons along side with God.

  Now that my emotional bursts seem to have settled down, I added some of the friends, who have shown me nothing but concern and yet I push them away back on facebook. I realize that it is too lame and immature to turn them away. Hopefully I am not too late in getting them back! I will see how it goes as time passes on. Hopefully I can have a less dramatic life and love the right person who loves me back!