Betrayal?

  It has been a long time since I blogged, mainly because I have been happy lately. There were times when some upsetting things happened but those are within things that you would expect happen. Like doing badly for FS, or Ms Tham flipping over overseas leave during school term period. Those are reasonable things to get upset over and I could see them coming from a mile away. But not this, not this piece of information I received yesterday when I had a meet up with my friend.

  It seriously hurts when people you trust talks shit about you behind your back. I know my worth and I still stand for what I do, I don't think I did anything wrong. I do not get why they had to gossip behind my back in front of my good friend though. Please have a brain and do your gossip somewhere else.  Anyway it sucks because they are the people who I will never gossip about to anyone else. They are the people who I have nothing but good things to say about them. Like I seriously see them as my friends. So when they start talking shit about you. It hurts. It really hurts. Trust is really a precious thing, and they broke it.

  I tried to act undisturbed when I heard the news, but I cannot stop thinking about it. Even today when I woke up. I sat on the bus and the words kept repeating in my brain like a fucking stupid recorder. I have to think of my next step, do I continue to be friendly with them, or should I just keep my distance. Was it a brainless chatter or a harmful gossip? I don't know. Suddenly I am doubtful of the others I trust. Can I trust them? Or is it just my own fantasy that these group of people are really my friends?

  Prolly I will forget about this in a few weeks time. I hope so cause trusting people again ain't easy.

FUCKING SHIT OF A DAD

  LIKE SERIOUSLY!!! WE KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A FUCKING MISTRESS AND YOU WANT TO PLEASE YOUR FUCKING MISTRESS. BUT THIS IS NOT THE FUCKING AWAY TO DO IT. STOP FUCKING STEALING THINGS FROM THE HOUSE. STOP IT. DO NOT INTRODUCE ME TO THAT FUCKING MISTRESS AND HER SON OF YOURS BECAUSE I WILL FUCKING RIP THEIR FACES APART. DO NOT MAKE ME DO IT.

  AT LEAST BE RICH ENOUGH TO SUPPORT TWO FAMILES IF YOU WANT MISTRESS. CAUSE YOU ARE A PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT.

Old fluttering feelings

  This is killing me. I don't know what to do anymore. I told myself that I am over it but I am not. Just hearing his voice through a phone call makes my heart flutter. I was in high spirits. I can't help but to smile and laugh when we met. I just wanted to reach my hand out to him. But I can't. I can't help but to tease him in my own sarcastic ways. We sat down and we ate. I can't help from staring at his face throughout the night. My eye wanders around and it will always stop at his face. I caught him staring once and I wondered what was on his mind. My useless mouth started to say something sarcastic. I screamed at myself internally. Why do I keep saying hurtful things?! But I knew. I wanted to keep my distance. I am not comfortable being near him. My composed-self that I am so proud off crumbled in his presence. I panicked. I stumbled. I made a fool of myself.

  As the conversation deepens, my worst fears realised. He had sex with a girl overseas. Not that I don't know it, not that it's wrong. My heart sank. My smile faded away. I pretended to be involved in the conversation, but I stopped talking. Strangely, it was hot hearing him say it from his mouth. But I knew. I didn't want to be there anymore. I didn't know what I was doing. I just tried to smile and nod my head throughout the rest of the conversation. It just kept ringing in my head. I wondered how did he look like naked, or how lucky the girl was to get a guy like him. They had a one night stand, just like that and it's over. I scolded myself. I knew and I let myself in into this mess. This mess that I created myself, a mess that shouldn't even exist. I hated myself. I hated how much I am attracted to him. Shortly after, I asked for a meet up that I knew he couldn't make it, the rest agreed and he couldn't. I turned to my sarcastic self and made a snark remark. My heart screamed no, but my head said to push him away.

  I got home. My heart still in pieces. I layed down on my bed, distracted and lonely. I knew that this is ridiculous. I laughed at how pathetic I was. I wanted to message him and apologised for my rude behaviour, but I knew I shouldn't. I should be happy for a Friend. But I can't. I stared at the ceiling light for the next ten minutes. Contemplating the next set of actions I should choose, or how I should react the next time I see him. My heart said be nice, but my head say no. Push him away. Be a dick and push him away. I don't deserve this, I told myself. I should be comfortable and happy being alone. I have been doing that for twenty over years of my life! I should be a pro by now. No matter how much I deny. I knew deep down, my heart has been completely taken over. It is not mine anymore. All I can do now is to slowly pick the shattered pieces up and glue tape it and tell myself that I can be happy alone.

  That's how my life is going to be, happy and alone. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. I pretended that it was him I was hugging and hated myself. Knowing that the vicious emotional cycle will play again the next time that we meet. I have to pick up  the broken hearts, until then, I told myself, just let me hope and enjoy whatever warmth this bolster can offer and let me be happy for the night. I fell into a deep sleep.

A moment of weakness

  Life is just so sad and unfair. This stupid disease that I have will not leave me alone! WHY WILL IT NOT GO?!? The stupid antibiotics that the doctor gave has never helped one bit and it always come back. Whatever confidence I build for myself for the past few years is gone. I can't tell myself that I am fabulous, to own it and just fuck it all anymore. I don't see myself in any kind of relationship or having good career prospect in the future. How to work if this thing keeps coming back right?

  This level of despair is uncalled for and I am just sad with my life. If I were to get some disease it should just kill me, not let me live and suffer. Life is tough. ARGHHHHH. I FUCKING HATE IT. I hope some kind of accident happen and let me die just like that.

Still not over him.

  After so long of not chatting and meeting up, one stupid joke in a WhatsApp group is enough to make me feel so many things. It's been so Long since I listened to Amy, and now I just want to listen only to her again. I have to face the reality sooner or later. He is straight and there's never a chance to begin with. This solidified my resolution to meet people like me out of my social circle more. I was hesitant, but not anymore. Move forward Poh, don't look back. Fuck! This is ridiculous.

Goodbye my dearest Friend, Luigi

  It is such a weird feeling. To have your bestest friend taken away from you, just like that, just in an instant. Such an uncomfortable feeling. I had always knew Luigi was plagued with disease, a disease with no cure; cancer. It was already stage 4 when he knew of it and it was 1-2years ago. And I know that he would go anytime, I just didn't know that it would be this soon. It hurts so much.

  I was just working, you know, treating children, then casually whipped out my phone to check for incoming messages and my heart instantaneously sunk. Luigi went into seizure. I couldn't think of anything, so many thoughts flood through my mind. I was hopeless, I could not do anything to help my dear Friend. In that very moment, I prayed. 

  I did not pray for healing though, somehow in the back of my mind, I knew it was the inevitable end. I prayed for something else. I prayed for him to be in a happy place and be happy in the afterlife. After all, that's what you want for people you love right?

  It made me question what exactly happens in the afterlife. Honestly, I don't think anyone really knows cause no one living has been there before. Maybe it could be nothing, you know life ends and that's it. Like full stop, nothing. That would be nice  too cause the worries and suffering would be gone too as well.

  Anyway I continued working the very next day. I did not want the news to affect my working life, and it acts as a distraction for me, so why not. I knew that the group of secondary school friends wanted to do a Skype session with him together, somewhere in my mind, I didn't want to be a part of that group. Cause this feels really personal. Like he is my bestest Friend. I don't need no nobody to listen to our history together and see my cry too. No freaking way. I won't be myself. Luckily they decided to do a Skype session when I was working, so I couldn't make it anyway.

  Near lunchtime, I received the most devastating news; Luigi's parents and Doctors have decided that it was a hopeless situation and they have decided to pull the plug. Once again, I couldn't think. I just stood there and was lost. The dental assistant looked at me questionly why I was just standing around. I barely noticed her presence and walked away slowly. I took my bag and left the clinic for lunch.

   As I walked, I began to pick up my pace as I felt the emotions bubbling up in my stomach. I looked for the nearest toilet all the while wiping away the droplets of tears that started to form in my eyes. God I think I looked really stupid. I went straight into the cubicle face down ignoring everyone else and sat down. I covered my mouth with both hands and my emotions went loose. I sobbed uncontrollably. Hopefully no one thought that a pig was getting slaughtered in the cubicle cause that's how I sounded like when controlling my voice. I was filled with so much sorrow, so much pain, so much sadness. 

  When I was finally able to calm down, I looked at my phone, fourty minutes had passed. For good measure, I just sat down on the toilet seat for like 10 more minutes before deciding to wash my face and leave the toilet. I did not feel like eating anything, but I knew I was hungry. So I just went to buy Koi and went back to the dental clinic. 

  Apparently they were celebrating two assistants birthdays so they wanted me to sing. I declined and said that I don't sing. How can I be in the mood to sing happy bday? It was a torture. Them laughing and smiling and enjoying themselves. I just couldn't rain on their parade. I pretended to smile and I think I was able to trick them. I ate a huge slice of birthday cake and work ensued. 

  Being able to work is so much easier, although you have to greet your patients with a happy singing voice and make small talk with them. At least you were able to focus in the next twenty minutes or so to just treating them and it was good for me. It was a great escape from reality. 

  After work I spoke to Luigi's Sister personally on Facebook and asked if I could arrange a Skype session with Luigi. Luckily she said yes, the only condition is that it has to be done 1am in the morning  Singapore time. I agreed readily. I told myself that I should sleep earlier as I am really tired from the 6 day work week but I just couldn't. What if I overslept? I will never forgive myself. 

  3 hours before the Skype session, I started looking through Luigi's Facebook, and the WhatsApp conversations we had. Listening to all the covers he did was my true escape. He had such a beautiful voice, and the one track I could not stop listening to, is his cover of Hallelujah. It felt so amp and it has been on replay since then. 

  Alone in the room, after the end of a six day work week, in the middle of the night, listening to a dear friend's cover when he is on the verge of death; obviously I cried. Not a pretty sight as the Skype session was going to start in a few minutes.

  The first thing I saw were Luigi's Father and his Sister. I gave a wryly smile and waved my hand. I gave my thanks and she proceeded to turn the laptop to face Luigi. 

  As if I haven't been crying enough for the past few days, seeing Luigi in his state killed me. There were so many tubes connected to his body and his face was so swollen. Half the Skype session, I couldn't bear to see his face. The only comforting thing was that his chest was still rising and falling, an indication that he is still alive. 

  

  For the first 10 minutes no words came out from my mouth. I knew what I wanted to say, I had hours of preparation before this moment, dammit! But I just couldn't. I was crying so much that I cannot form words. I needed some time to calm myself down. I took deep breaths one after another. I was ready. Then I started talking, slowly and trying to steady my voice as much as I could. 

  I talked about our history, the happy times when we would totally abuse the Kala card from Kbox. Where we would go every 2 days to just get our money's worth and scream our lungs out to our most favorite song "And I am telling you." It doesn't matter if our throats were sore, we would just sing. Life was so simple then. I let him listen to a cover he did before, a beautiful rendition of Hallelujah. I talked to him about our dreams, the future where we would meet each other for a plate of Char Kway Teow. I talked about many many things, dragging it as long as I could. Many times, I would lose topics to talk about, but I would quickly try to come out with something or just repeat something I said. Until the end when I could not find any topics anymore. 

  "Thank you for being my bestest Friend I could ever ask for, to encourage me in times of struggle and to make me a less hateful person. To make me a better person." "I guess what I want to say is." A long pause. I readied myself for the inevitable. "Goodbye." My voice cracked. It was over. It was the last time I talked to this dear Friend of mine. I said my thanks to his Sister and switched off Skype. I laid down on my bed and began crying til I slept. Goodbye my dearest Friend, may your afterlife give you more happiness. Goodbye Luigi. My bestest friend.

Future me?

  Well with no money and lower than average future prospects I am doomed to live my life a basic poor citizen. I do not take care of my body and my looks are meh. Please I am not ugly. So I would most probably stay single too. Future me: Single basic poor old Singaporean.

  As I ease into my adult life, I began to think a little bit more to my future. Honestly speaking, staying single sounds good to me. I have always seen myself as independent and I have gone through way too many non-existent break ups with my crushes to even think that one would end up good. Then again, I am always the crazy one. Acting up, making HOO HAs from nothing. 

  Of course that doesn't mean that I won't think about it from time to time. What would it be like, to have someone look out for you in all aspects of life. If you know what I mean, wink. To look at you like only you matters in this world, and everything else just fades away. A soulmate. To share time with and travel to marvel at the world's wonders. Together. To comfort you when you feel down, to celebrate achievements you don't feel worth celebrating about. Like for example, your 50th birthday. To be consistently on their mind, to make you eat when you have no appetite. Like that is going to happen. To make you feel special. A wonderful, magical bond that only the two of you have.

  I am a realistic person. I do dream about many things, but at the end of the day, I am realistic. I always choose the most sure, most stable way to get through life. That's how I ended up in healthcare anyway. I wanted to lead a stable and secure life. No doubt, I won't earn much as compared to the counterparts, but I will never be out of job. I will survive.

  Born into an unstable family with no financial back up, living life from check to check makes me think about many things in life from a tender age. Constantly being rudely awakened in the middle of the night had already became a routine before me and my siblings even knew it. We can't sleep at night. There were too much fightings going on and the children are always dragged into the fights. It's always about the lack of money. It was a broken family. 

  

  When I was finally able to start working, I worked. I worked like crazy. It wasn't enough to support myself though. Until poly came and a bond was presented to me. I signed it and received $900 a month. I stopped working and stopped taking money from my parents. I became independent. I did not want anything to do with my family for I hated them. I do not want them to come after me for money in the future so I stopped relying on them. 

  On hindsight, if my family was of a decent background, I would have went to JC. I understood that JC means two extra years and then University where the fees would be too much for my family to bear. More chaos would have ensued and I don't want that. So I chose poly. Just 3 years and I can start working and earn my own money already. I thought of leaving them as soon as I was stable.

  Poly was a living hell. I thought that the family situation would get better for I stopped taking money from them. No. It got worse. I couldn't sleep at all. My insomnia got worse, situation at home got so bad that Neighbours called and reported to the police in the middle of the night. I woke up tired and angry every single morning. I couldn't focus. I couldn't pick myself up. There was no one to pick me up. My broken family was a mess.

  I was director's list in year 1 Sem 1. But I couldn't take it anymore. My sleep debts caught up with me. My grades started to slide down for the remaining sems.

  Music was my escape. Music has always been my escape. Ever since secondary school. Admist the chaos and darkness, music was my light. To be able to sing freely and harmoniously opened a door for my soul. I was saved. No matter how tired I was, I look forward to the 3hours worth of practice every week. I would lose myself in the world of music, surrounded by friends, surrounded by happiness.

  I was tone deaf. But I didn't care. As Long as I got to sing, I was happy. It became a mandatory part of my life. To sing in a choir. That's heaven to me. I may spend more times with my classmates, but the bonds made from choir are much more stronger. 

  Some of my friends always wondered why I love singing so much. Like the amount of karaoke sessions I have. They cannot understand. It's alright, though. I have learnt that everyone find joy in different things. As Long as I can keep singing, as Long as I have friends by my side. I will be okay. I will survive. Hopefully, one day I will be able to show people what joy it is to sing. To dive into a different world, to be in control, to tell a story, to be alive. Life is too short to just do things that torture you all the time.

  Though my early 20 years of my life hasn't been the most pleasant experience, as an Adult now, I will shape it to something I can proudly talk about to others in the future. I will live on, with no regrets. Just keep singing.