I am certainly not affected by the sg haze that's been a big hoo ha in Singapore because I opted to stay at home. Its been awhile, but its really funny when I woke up this morning. I almost screamed "FIRE!" I scared the shit out of myself! Turns out that it was just the haze.
Anyway, I have been hooked to a show called Drop Dead Diva and I just finished 4 seasons in 3 days! Can you believe that? I am practically glued to my bed! It is such a nice bitchy funny drama that I enjoy! I also love the smart comments and the actors there have fantabulous voices! They sang on a few occasions and I am swooned over already. There are just some shows that put genuine smiles/tears on your faces when you watch them and this is one of the shows! I think its probably just me though, I dont find many people appreciate what I appreciate.
Oh yes, I heard from a person( from a choir) said that the choir suck and the seniors are definitely not up to standard. When I heard it the first time, I went "OUCH!". It hit me. I could not believe it, yet I guess it is true in every word. I am not a good singer, I am average but not good. I really wanted to leave the choir, but then I think to myself, its really not about how good we are. I mean, yes, we require certain level of skill to perform, but its more about having fun. If all we think about is how good we are, we are NEVER good enough. People like me wants to be perfect, I literally yearn for people voices, people's height, people's face, people's blah blah blah. I almost forgot about one thing: I am wonderfully and fearfully made. In the eyes of my creator, I am loved, I am perfect. So why am I sulking at my limitations? I cannot do that.
Sometimes I still wonder if I moved on, because honestly, I want to feel emo again. Its been awhile since I feel emo( I think I said this before), but it was so regular at that time that it became my "routine". I feel weird without my "routine" now and I dont want to feel weird. Just as I was reading back what I am writing now, I rolled eyes at myself. Why am I so hung up about feeling? Without feelings its never going to be the same. I realize that I guess.
I hate my father's guts. Even though I prayed about it, I still hate him to the deepest part of my subconciousness( if that is a word). It is almost impossible not to feel angry when you are going to the kitchen to grab a drink and you hear him on the phone, with his mistress. The thing here is that he stopped talking immediately when he sees you. You immediately know that he is talking to his mistress. It is so obvious. I stood there by the sink and drank really slowly. So painfully slow that I can hear my heartbeat clearly, that I can feel my lips quivering. I drank two cups of water in more than 5mins and he remained silent all this while. Guilty and know that I am trying to listen to what he is trying to say. There are times when I have the urge to rip the phone out from his hand and scream vulgarities at the person over the phone. I am not that kind of person, but I really feel like doing it. I withheld myself.
I dont know, even though I appear to be pretty calm on the outside, my life is a mess. A huge mess. One day I will get over it, I'm just not sure when that day will be.
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