What now?

I wake up and I see nothing. No reply. God, I am super tempted to just rage and just scream all the vulgarities in the world but I know that if I do that, I will just build up that stupid wall after that. This wall is stupid because God, you will always manage to tear it down and reduce me into pool of water. But what can I do? It's so frustrating that I am crying now. I never thought that people can do that because when you wake up, your in neutral state and you tend to see things in a less emotional way. I guess it doesn't happen that way to me.

How can I love my neighbors when it is so hard to love them? God, if they are prebelivers, I understand. God, if they are really Christians why do they not want to fix things? Is that how they live with their conscience? That as long as I love those that are lovable, those that are within my reach, I have fulfilled the commandment. That I have loved my neighbor as myself, and everyone else outside there doesn't matter to me. It doesn't matter what they are feeling, what they are thinking because it just doesn't matter.

Please give me my answer. I need it so so much.

I just realized that I am super spoiled. I feel like raging because I didn't get what I want. That's one perspective to look at it. Okay, I will just go along with that and not think more cause it feels so much easier to handle when I think I'm like that. I am a spoiled brat, so I don't deserve any kindness people have for me. See, it's easier. I don't deserve it.