Today is my official last day going to service as a NYP member and it felt okay. I guess it's only okay because Aedy was there. Now that I think about it, it's quite sad that I move on from NYP like that. I have gotten nothing. Nothing from anyone. Once again, I will tell myself I am already done with this mindset and that I am a strong boy. Strong enough not to feel sad, strong enough to get through without giving up.
It's actually quite sad however when you actually see people purposely avoiding you. Like how me and Aedy like to go service super early nowadays, and we will be sitting at a corner. I am usually not an observant person, but for the past few services, I can ALWAYS see people choosing to sit further away from me and pushing other people to sit beside me. What have I done to cause this kind of reaction? Once again, Poh Heng, never mind, you are strong. You might feel hurt but that's how it is.
Probably before I even had the struggle, I would have thought that when I graduated from NYP I would really miss the people and perhaps, cry myself to sleep. That I would have a fun party, celebration and that I will have many friends that I can keep in touch with and just have fun. Life would be perfect, and even though I miss NYP, I am off to meet new people who are nice and fun.
It is just less than 6 months ago, and the equation changed. Funny how a moment of absence can change so much as to how you are treated. Well, that is how the thing goes. I just have to deal with it.
Now I am just worried about Aedy, her LG doesn't really seem to care about her nowadays and I don't really know what they are thinking. I don't care what people think of me anymore cause I am leaving soon. I just hope that people treat Aedy nicer! Honestly, if she weren't here today and asked my to stay, I wouldn't have went to even eat dinner with the NYP people. Because it is just so awkward, why do I have to subject myself to feeling Outcasted and lonely. I am not there to see how people have fun together. The feeling of being left out is such a horrible horrible feeling. Though I have to say I appreciate XY, if no him around I would have just pulled Aedy along with me and left, he was the only one who even make the effort to talk. This honestly makes me feel that NYP is messed up. Then again, it may be just between me and the people. What to do?
Anyway someone told me about he actually wrote a letter and didn't bring it today. I wonder what his response will be? Right when I feel that I left no regrets leaving NYP, this have to come. Now I have to wait for 2 weeks before I can even receive and read what he wrote. That is just plain torture, the suspense will surely kill me! I am just hoping that I don't overthink during this period of time. I seriously hate it if it is going to happen. I am sick of thinking too much and it ends up opposite of what I think.
In any case, this sorts of mark the end of my journey in NYP hope. I am just hoping that I will NEVER get emotionally attached to anyone anymore and if I do, god forbid, the person is MORE attached to me than I to him. Just hoping that I will feel more happier and welcomed when I go NS. Jiayou Poh Heng! Be strong and happy! :D
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