Heyy people!

It's been a few days since I blogged and I just want to tell you guys that I am feeling so much better! I am not sure if it's me or because of the trip to bangkok or going out and meeting a few people, the weird suffocating feeling is lessening! The feeling I get when I feel that I am not recognize by people who I am close to, this feeling that eats me up sometimes, it's gradually disappearing!

I don't know if it's really a good thing or not because it also means that the person is losing a place in my heart and I don't think it's possible to be back up again- or at least that's what history had told me. Then again, there are times when my "absolute law" gets bend and things are proven wrong. Nevertheless, at least I am not feeling depressed.

One thing that I realized about myself recently: I am emotionless and give pokerface when I am around most people nowadays. What happened? Is it because I am so afraid to open up to people? Or is it just my nature that I am like that? I know that before I joined choir and became that noisy person, I was the quiet boy. Have I forsaken my identity and went back to the tiny cage where I feel safe and familiar with?

Then again, I am a socially awkward person with negative EQ, so I don't really expect a lot. It's not like I didn't try anyway so it's fine. However, Is it really okay to leave it like that? I am so afraid that it will happen again when I move on. I really sincerely hope that I don't get close to anyone in the new group I am going to.

Oh yes, I also heard some news from Aedy that they talked about me to her when I wasn't around for service. Even though I wasn't present when they said it, but what I hear, freaking hurts. It hurts like shit. Do I really look like the kind of person who will pull people down, the kind of person who is like a burden to someone and cause a drastic change? Do I look like the kind of person who will pull someone away from God, a figure that I know it's real and I love so much? I acted that I wasn't really affected by it when I first heard it, but it is so hard to do that trick again when your alone and thinking. So that was the ultimate impression of me, that I caused Aedy to change into someone they don't like and she will be better off without me. And they are so glad that I am moving on.

There really is no point in trying to be nice to them already right? I don't know why am I still doing this. I am not there to be judged certainly by people who I used to call friends. People can change overnight and I don't want to be nice to them anymore. This is such a sad community that I am with, should I didn't have any personal problems with God and left, I wouldn't have found out. This is the true face of the community.

Regrets. Regrets. Regrets. I shouldn't have came back to this church no matter what. It's bad enough that I am no longer accepted by most, but it's worse when you know that you are framed a criminal. I should have just went to other church and move on with life. Why Poh Heng why do you lead yourself to this stage? Is it so wrong to have some personal problems and MIA for awhile? Am I not a human too? Am I not allowed to sin?

These are the kind of pain that strikes me the most. When you have no intention of doing any harm and people accuse you of doing them. I don't want to say "it's okay" anymore cause I don't want to be that kind of person anymore. I am really really sad and there's nothing that I can do and let it be. Why god? Why? And I was so happy and hopeful when I bought them stuff from Thailand. Forget it.