Feeling better now...

  I am feeling better now after hanging out a day with the others for a karaoke session! I realized that I am starting to get a little lazy singing songs or maybe it's just that I am tired today. I read back the last two posts that I had written and only one "saying" came to my mind: hate is a strong word. This is a phrase that Luigi always tell me when we are in secondary school, I come to hate people easily and when I tell him that I hate this person, he will reply, "hate is a strong word". Even nowadays when I am talking on a daily basis when I think of using the word "hate", I will think twice whether or not if I mean it or does the severity of the situation allows me to say it or not. Most of the time, I will change to a soft word like dislike.

  Sometimes I wonder why are all the "hate" words sounds so hateful. Like all of them come off as very strong words to me. Despise, abhor, detest- all of them are feels like the person is condemned for eternity. I have never in my life use those words on people before and when I look back to the word "hate", suddenly it doesnt feel so strong anymore.

  I hate you. I despise you. I abhor you. I detest you. Can you all feel the differences? I dont think we are born to hate on people, hating people is tiring and you shouldnt be spending so much time trying to hate! Why not spend that energy on love instead? This is something that I have been trying to cultivate myself to do( it doesnt seems to be working) and every attempts of trying to "love" results in nothing in return. Then again, love expects nothing. How I wish that I am loved. Well, I know that I am loved by my close ones and I love them too, this is the part when I am suppose to say that its enough. However, I know that I am desiring for more.

  When will I have enough of love? I am like some hungry for love person. Am I a leech? I think I am but you know what? Nobody likes to feed a leech with their blood so I have to get used to it. I need to suffice myself with the love of my close friends! Maybe if I become some cute animal like a dog I will gain more favors from people. Okay, that's just lame. Sometimes I wonder why am I not born a bird or a fish? I told some of my friends before, if I have the choice, I would definitely choose it. Then whenever I want to, I will just take off with my wings or swim to the other end of the ocean with my fins and feel the beauty of world. That freedom, that control in life( though I think just as I am about to feel it I would be eaten away by some predator).

  Well the law of the nature states that the strong devours the weak. We are all humans and we are drive by our instincts. Ultimately, I have to be strong so that I wont get eaten. I am such a weak person and until I become the person I want to be, I need to have some defense mechanisms for myself. I have a few installed already when I was young, though I think that it will backfire me after awhile when I feel like loving the person, so I need to do something else. Am I going to be a fake person? The kind that acts like a friend but does nothing when the "friend" needs help? Well, it certainly will reduce all the emotional attachments I have for the person. Hell, I wouldnt even have any attachment. I should do that to people. People who I am not close to yet. I am not going to bare my soul to other people already, it is such a tiring and hurtful process.

  I should stop before this whole negative energy gets me down. I should stop thinking and do more doing. Carpe Diem, seize the day. I need to start living like everyday is the last day I have in this world. That will make me appreciate life more. Right? That I should dare to love and dare to hurt. Yolo( you only live once). I feel like I am lying to myself now, but I should say this more often to myself and brainwash my stupid brain. Only then will I break free from this cage that I lock myself in. The chains that grabs me so tightly that I cant move. I really should stop.