A little escapade...

  You can never really know how desperate one person can be until you were called in the middle of the night for a mahjong session. Officially when I left the house, it was 1230am already and I had to take a midnight train to get to wh house. It was strange, taking a ride at that hour. You are practically alone in the cabin, you can do whatever you want! Guess what I did? 30 seconds dance party! It was really crazy and I thought that I might die and I would if someone caught me doing what I did. It was a random idea that came to my mind, though I did not do super bold moves( I was really scared that there's a camera at where I was standing). That adrenaline rush was fun and yeah, I completed it! 

  We finished one round and I went to sleep. I woke up super early- at around 8oclock and I just lied down on the sofa, thinking. I always think. Sometimes I think too much that I literally have to stop myself from thinking and do more doing. The one thing that I thought about was how am I going to introduce myself to the NS people, not introduce as in, "Hey, my name is Poh Heng" but more of the "this is my life story and I want you to know." I realized that there are many things in life that are against me than with me. I also realized that only when you lose then do know what it truly feels like to win and savour it. My life had been nothing but smooth sailing from young to secondary school- studies were never a problem and I just cut people off from my life if I dont like them. It was that simple. I made the rules, I rule the rules and I was perfect in my small little world. That was enough for me. I dont need anything else.

  Somehow, coming to church made me into a crybaby. It tore down all the walls that I realized I built and I became more emotional than ever. Sometimes I got so sick of it that I ask my best friend, how do you resist tearing? She told me to just focus on one point and stare, and when I tried that, it backfire on me. I am really never a master of my own emotions. I was a slave to it. I yielded to its every command. 

  One thing about being in church is that you have to lose yourself and become more Christ like, in other words, I have to ditch myself and look towards  and model after God. That is what it means to become a Christian, "make me the kind of person you want me to be." That is what I always think when I say that, God make me become more like you. Honestly, I hate my own personality, if I were to be someone else and I saw me, I will hate myself for life. 

  Have you ever love someone so much that you are willing to give up pieces of yourself just to please that person? Those small little changes that you are so willing to make, in hopes that he will look at you and smile. You just want that attention. You keep looking at that person and never yourself. That is the kind of love I had for God and I want it back. What happened was that, after a period of time, after willingly giving all those pieces of yourself. You suddenly stopped what you are doing and look at yourself. You look into the mirror and you dont recognize who you are anymore, you gave up too many pieces already. You suddenly decided that it was scary and you want yourself back. You want to know who you are again, you want that piece of identity that you are so comfortable with. You want to stop loving that person who makes you this way because that's the only way to get your identity back and that was what I did.

  I rejected God's presence. I rejected all those changes I had made. I rejected God's love. Most importantly, I rejected my true identity- being a God's child. It was never easy, rejecting what you love. At the same time, it is really scary when you are lost. Its like you are in a foreign country, your nose pick up a very distinctively nice smell and without thinking about it, you followed that scent. Hoping that it will lead you to that delicious food and you can enjoy yourself. Halfway through following that super tasty smell, you stop and you look around. You are lost. You start to suffer a panic attack and you decided to ditch that awesomely good smell and you ran back the direction where you came from. Back to square one. 

  After that I condemned myself because I came back to the point where I started. Work done is zero. I was   back to searching for that good food again. Its pathetic actually because what I need at that end of the day was that good food. It is all I ever needed at that time(even now) and yet the insecurity got the better of me and I just wanted to be in my safe little comfort zone. Though I realize that I have been forcing myself out of my comfort zone quite a fair bit nowadays, it still isnt enough. I dont want to be reserved anymore. I need to stop that. Or I will never be able to eat that good food. 

  Enough talking about this kind of topic, its been quite awhile since I started using this laptop and wh is not waking up yet. I wonder what else can I do. Listen to Amy Winehouse? she has such a raspy voice and she have that realness that makes me love her so so much. However I need to stop because it is so real that I can identify with her and when I do, I emo. I cannot to be emo nowadays, I have to make sure I dont emo anymore. Why am I arguing myself on this? I will just listen to her anyway! :P