I cant believe it, I still got that super uncomfortable feeling just from reading his blog and his twitter. Seriously? If I were to tell that to myself, I would just reply, you cant even comprehend what's going on? GET OVER IT. Apparently, this "love" guru or however what my friends tell me, is failing. Like an idiot. I still cant fathom why. Logically it doesnt even make sense.
Anyway, now that I have accepted this stupid part of myself that make me leave church in the first place. I find myself looking at guys more nowadays but that's that. Like, I dont think about anything else more, mainly because I cant imagine anything at all and it just felt disgusting. I am like shooting myself round the bush that I am disgusting, but that's a fact: I am disgusting. Meh, but that doesnt change the fact that I dont really find girls appealing.
So, for the past few days I sort of have a mini gathering with my secondary school choir friends and we talked about our lives and our families. Turns out that we all have screwed up families, and apparently, the dads are to be blamed. Slowly, the conversation moved towards what kind of person we like and while they were discussing I was thinking to myself. Should I tell or not? Both of them are nice outgoing girls, one of them is actually my gan jie, who actually converted to be a christian for a year already, and another is those charistmatic yet caring girl who was my senior. My senior asked, so what kind of girl do you like, or is it a he. I was so tempted to just say "confused, but most likely he" but before I could say a word, my jie said, "if it were a he, I would punch him."
That basically showed me how my gan jie would react if I said it and perhaps, our relationship will be severed? So I just said with my instincts "dont know yet, no crush". Kind of sad really, because a moment ago, we were all truthful about our broken families, and yet when it came to what I am, I actually have to lie? Its like, I dont know. I cant really blame my jie either, because she is a hardcore believer who even have a boyfriend now in church which their relationship is approved by "god". I just thought that it was a waste that she's there, cause if not I would have had the courage to tell my senior about me. Doesnt matter, wait for time to pass by bah.
Today, my jie was actually playing song on the piano and sang. Guess what song it is? Our all too familiar "still". I just cant help but to sing to it, I thought I couldnt sing christian songs anymore. After that I sang with her for awhile and proceeded on with other activities. On my way home after the gathering, I started to sing those christian songs that I was so used to singing, lyrics that I meant from the bottom of my heart. Where have that passion gone off to? As usual, my stupid brain cant comprehend and I just let the question be.
Nowadays I try to organize my thoughts on how I should act towards him if one day we finally meet. One part of me says that he did nothing wrong, you left, so be okay with him just as how I try to be okay with other people. Another part of me tells me to just ignore him and even snap at him should he try to start a conversation or something similar because the fact that he never even try to talk to me from the moment I stop going to church shows how much I meant to him even though I thought that we are friends. Even when I try to make it easier for him to talk to me by striking a few conversations, he only reply: he never initiates. As usual. You can tell how much he is disinterested to me as a friend and he is just trying to be nice.
Tch, I feel so stupid now even thinkin about this. Really, as I waste my time thinking about this boliao stuff, he's spending time thinking about other things. Stupid Poh Heng is stupid. Oh yes, saying this reminds me of the time when my junior said "Happy Poh Heng is happy" cause the choir celebrated my birthday!
Honestly, it was the best birthday celebration I have ever experienced. It beats the one that I have in church. Somehow, my birthdays celebration are always half-assed. I always tell people that I dont enjoy celebrations, but I guess this proved me wrong. I was really shy( I really was hor) when they sing for me the birthday song, I just didnt know how to act but I was overwhelmed by the heartwarming atmosphere. Honestly, thanks to my crying drama mama episodes, I have managed to learn the art of holding back tears( just a bit only), but it was good enough for me to hold them all back and make a full of myself.
After that we went to the Singapore flyer to perform our christmas carols and enjoy a ride on the flyer! I was so happy! We basically camwhored all the way! We even sang our carols in the cabin( though just a few of us bolder ones) but we received applause and a "thank you" from the crowd and I felt so happy. I couldnt have asked for another birthday celebration and if I were to still be in church, I would not have celebrated my birthday like this. So I dont know if this is a blessing in disguise? Anyway, I enjoyed it and I really love my VE people bah.:D
Hehe, this is a good way to end this super long blog post. May all the unhappiness and stupid feelings go away! :D
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